So what do you think?

I have learned in all the years of doing hair that when most of the times when my clients are talking to me and sharing stories and situations about their lives, and when they  ask "what do you think?", it really just means "I want agreement and validation  please; not your opinion!!!"  And I am totally OK with that.  But every once in a while the question "So what do you think?"  actually becomes a "real question" and here I am sharing with you one of these conversations.  The other day a client/friend that I have known for a few years was expressing her frustrations of one too many bad dates, and she was questioning "why can't I find one good man or the "right man" to fall in love, have long term relationship and be happy??? "And then she asked me "what do you think? " To that I just replied casually, "Oh, it must be hard being a single out there." Then suddenly she got quiet. She looked at me strangely and was seemingly baffled by my answer and said, "Now, you have been in relationship for long time, and you talk to all kinds of people all day long right?"  "Yes," I said. "I have been in a loving and fulfilling relationship with my wife for almost 23 years, we work side by side  for over 22 years now, and yes, I enjoy talking to people and I have learned a lot from  them."  "I don't want to put you on the spot." And then she added, "but you have known me for a few years and have heard all my life stories during this time. I need a 'fresh pair of eyes' right now. I want to know why can't I find and have what YOU have?" I did not feel that I was on the 'Hot Seat', and I appreciated the fact that she is asking for my advice, but I knew investigating such a question might be taking us lot deeper 'down the rabbit hole' that she might want to go. I said, "That is a perfect question, and I don't have a simple answer for you, but you should know that some times to understand the contents of your life, you may have to examine the context or the bigger picture."  "Go on. I am listening," she replied. She seemingly was open and willing to go deep, so I started. "Let's begin with a undeniable fact that most would agree."  With curiosity she said, "Ok".  I went on, "There are lots of unhappy single people out there, right?" "Yes!" she said. And I said, "There are lots of unhappy married people out there, right?" "Yah," she said with a half smile. I further said, "There are also lots of very happy single and married people out there, right?" "For sure," she replied. So I continued, "We have to conclude that  happiness has nothing to do with whether or not you are married!" "I am totally in agreement with all that, but my family always gives me a hard time about not being married."  "Well,"  I said. "Your loved ones just want you to be happy."  "Yes, you are right, but I want to be happy too."  "Now happiness is very challenging feat  these days, isn't it?" I said.  "What do you mean?" she replied sounding anxious.  I said, "OK, let's examine the happiness now, and to do that; like a sculptor with a block of marble we must first chip away and look at what is NOT happiness and what creates unhappiness before we can see happiness."  "Ok, that makes sense," she answered.  "If I say to you that we all live in a scary and dangerous world and stressful times, it would be an understatement; would it not?"  "Of course we are," she replied in total agreement and added, "just look at that senseless bombing at Boston marathon."  "Every day we wake up  with the uncertainty of our lives and pick up our old worries and add few new stresses. We don't feel safe in our homes, at work, and in our towns. The economy makes us feel unsure of our jobs, our money and our way of life. The environment makes us afraid about our health and of our loved ones too. The relationships with our family, friends, and our religious leaders leaves us somewhat feeling dissatisfied, confused, and disconnected. Need I say more?" I asked. "Oh no, I got it," she said. "I am there every day." "In short, many of us live in a environment of fear where that fear gives us anxiety which makes us 'feel bad' on the inside. We look for ways to FIX 'feeling bad' and dissatisfaction instead of facing the fear. The first fix is usually food. Normally, we eat because food gives us nourishment; but when we feed the fear with food throughout the day, especially with foods that are not healthy, we may say to ourselves we are eating for pleasure; however, this is only a temporary fix. So we eat more and more, which almost always backfires since obesity and health issues will follow with this cycle of feeding our fears. Some try other fixes like alcohol, illegal or prescription drugs that do work in reducing anxiety and pain by even providing good times, but this too is only temporary. Our tolerance for our particular vice goes up, resulting in having to use more and more to get any relief; and the result is alcoholism, drug abuse, more pain, more agony and total disruption of life. Some of us get our fix in accumulating material items like clothes, shoes, money, real state, cars and so on. While shopping and buying we feel good, and we may also feel good the first few times we use what we bought. Then the newness and that happy feeling goes away. In order to revisit that good feeling we have to buy more and more. Soon we would run out of room to keep our stuff, out of money to buy more stuff, and the good feelings are replaced with stress and financial problems. And a last fix for bad feeling and unhappiness comes from relationships. We look to others to come and fix our unhappiness and bring good times, love, and romance. New relationships offer so much with the hope of excitement, longing, warmth, connection, laughter and caring; it all feels really good and allows us to escape from our fears and anxieties, and then after the 'honeymoon period' is over, we start to see the other person's short comings and insecurities. We forget that we all are 'in the same boat' and they too may have their own unhappiness and imperfections to deal with. We get frustrated when our partner is no longer able to make us what we think is happy, our unhappiness and fear returns."  "Wow!" she exclaimed.  "All of what you just said is so true and at the same time it really bums me out." And jokingly she said, "I am now thinking which bridge to go jump off from!"  She added, "you ARE going to give me some good news now!!! Right? You better!" "What if I said our concept of happiness is imaginary, unrealistic and faulty. Happiness is NOT a destination that we will arrive to!!! Meaning it does not come after you buy your beautiful house, your expensive car, and it does not come right after you start your 'reality show' or after you meet the man of your dreams. Like a carrot on the stick  for the horse, we would never get 'there' to the location we believe happiness would be."  "How can you be so sure about this" she said quickly.  I responded, "If happiness was a destination, then every movie star or a wealthy  man or women who ever bought the best house, the most expensive car and married to the most beautiful person in the world would live happily ever after with no alcoholism, drug abuse, and marital affair and of course no divorce."   "So what it is then?" she asked eagerly.  "What if I said happiness was like the Internet that we could connect to wherever we are and whenever we want. We would use browsers  such as love,kindness, generosity, giving, gratitude, Laughter, beauty and volunteer work to connect. And instead of having to have user name and password, we would have 3 rules to login to our high speed and long term connection: 1- Give what you want to receive (responsibly and safely) and know that you cannot give what you do not have. 2- Live with gratitude and see the beauty in all. 3- All deeds must be unconditional to bypass the fear. Remember conditional deeds are fear based." "Give me an example of unconditional and what do you mean by fear base?" she asked sounding a bit confused.  I explained, "If my giving to you is subject to you giving back, love me, or appreciate me, then when you do not comply the way I was expecting you to. I would feel unappreciated, unloved, cheated, used, and so on. And that bad feeling when it happens often could sooner or later change the dynamic of our relationship. But, if I give to you whatever I can give you unconditionally, then the good feeling inside would be the payment for being able to help a friend."  "Ok," she said. "But how can I see the beauty in all? How can anyone see beauty in the Boston bombing for example?"  To that I replied, "The beauty was people helping people unconditionally. The first responders and ordinary people putting away their political views, judgments, and risking their own lives to lift up, help, and save people whom they did not even know. They did not wake up that morning wanting to be heroes. They just acted unconditionally. That's the beauty of human beings. And I promise you, if you ever were in a situation like that and a man who you never seen comes to your rescue, you then would have a special bond and place in you heart for him instantly and for ever. That is the power of unconditional deeds" "OK, sold" she said. " Short of being a bombing victim, how am I use what you said to  find one good man or the "right man" to fall in love, have long term relationship and be happy?" "I will make it very clear for you. Put away your expectation of the man who suppose to 'fit the bill' for you. When you talk or go on a first date:  1- find the beauty in that person unconditionally. 2- give your friendship responsibly and unconditionally as if he will be your friend for life (without sacrificing your safety). Now by doing so you may not fall in love and marry the first guy, but you may get a good deal on your favorite car from his friend who has a car dealership. You also may not get married to the second guy, but land a great job at his cousin's company. You may not even get your heart pumping for the third guy, but his brother may be the man of your dreams." at that time my next client was coming in and she overheard the tale end of our conversation and she said "If you are talking about men, I have to tell you this! I have been married for a long time." And she said this jokingly, "if it has tires or testicles, you are bound to have problems with it!!!" And we all got a good laugh!