Tips to Avoid a Big Parenting Mistake:

One of the key causes of generational frustration between parents and their children is parental criticism. This alone is responsible for a great deal of conflict and stress that manifests as unhappiness experienced by parents and their children.

For example, when we are over critical of our teens we create stress. The stress from criticism can exacerbate the emotional developmental process that adolescents are already going through, in turn adding a great deal of inner-conflict and uncertainty in their task of maturing. If we model frequent anger and argumentative outbursts toward our teens they learn to do this also and will argue more with us.

An obvious question is “How can I control my critical approach while providing structured parenting that helps my children?”

·Create a safe time to listen to your child and to offer mirroring, validation and empathy:

Try to pick a time when you're not hurried or busy with a project you brought home from work. Sit with your child as they are preparing to go to sleep. This is a great time for open and safe communication. For about 10 or 15 minutes listen to your child, mirror what you hear them saying, validate that these are their feelings and you accept them and the experiences that they share. Find a way to offer empathy for what you hear them telling you. 

A good practice is to remind yourself of a time you were made to feel something like what they are describing.  As a fellow human being consider how you would feel if you were in their shoes. Let them know you can understand how they might feel this way. Respectful listening is always more welcomed than criticism. Once you mirror, validate and empathize you will be less likely to jump straight into telling your child they are wrong. 

Creating a regular time to fully listen and ask open ended questions will pay off over the years for both you and your child. They will likely display a better mood, improved behavior and both of you will begin to look forward to this time together.

 ·Awareness of our own hurts and frustrations and the need to repair the damage of critical fallout:

We parents have countless moments of frustration. These may stem from trouble in our career, a misunderstanding with our spouse, a fear over financial woes, etc. These types of experiences can create anxiety. When we are feeling anxious, many of us use repression as a defense mechanism to deny and push these feelings down. This allows us to temporarily meet the crisis head on and make it through another day. But, at times this mechanism of defense fails us and we find we are suddenly no longer holding back. It is then when we might say something very cruel or hurtful in retaliation to our child’s behavior.

At such a time it is important for we as parents to model what it means to acknowledge our mistakes and apologize to our child. Some may wonder if this will risk sending a message that it is okay to misbehave and be defiant, that somehow our apology will be seen as a weakness. It is however quite the opposite. When we apologize, we model an important skill that attributes to soothing interpersonal relationships. The apology builds the child’s respect for the parent.

 ·What is really going on inside the parent that causes this criticism and how to turn it around?

The challenge every parent must face is how to best help a child learn to live as a productive, well-adjusted, contributing member of the family and the society. By definition, this requires instruction, coaching and socialization. Depending on how it's done, the child experiences the guidance and coaching as either caring instruction or criticism. Criticism is the negative expression of a disappointed want or need of the parent. Caring instruction around that same want or need actually increases the loving connection between the parent and child.

Too often, parental "criticism" is the result of our own hurts and frustrations about life and or achievements. The greatest obstacle that a child has to overcome in life is the lived and unlived lives of their parents. When parents can manage and contain their own hurts and frustrations, they do a better job of caring instruction; which  helps both child and parent create the family and community we all long for in life. 

When we create a "talking moment" where instruction, dialogue and confession or apology can occur, we model good communication and foster a deeper relationship with our child. When we need to criticize we can do it calmly and with compassion.  When we achieve a more compassionate approach we then include the importance of teaching concern for others.

We can add encouragement, solace, and support, thereby enhancing our role in helping children bounce back from the inevitable disappointments and moments of discouragement that are part of growing up. 

·Some tips and thoughts regarding a compassionate criticism:

Always criticize in private. Criticism in front of others causes embarrassment and is likely to make children angry, defensive, and stubborn.

Children do not respond well to criticism if we criticize when we are angry.

It is often helpful to "ask permission" when we offer criticism. We can say, for example, "Is it OK if I give you some advice about how you were playing today?" or "Are you open to hearing some criticism about how you played in today's game?" When introduced in this way, children will be much more receptive to what we have to say. Usually, they will say that they are ready to listen. If they say, "No," we should accept this and tell them, "OK. Maybe we can talk about it later" or "Let me know if you change your mind."

Always express your appreciation for them. Criticism, although necessary in small doses, is a toxin. Appreciation is the antidote.

Appreciate every effort on the part of your child at cooperation and concern for others. Simple, genuine expressions of appreciation are often remarkably helpful in softening a child's inflexibility and opening her to collaboration in solving problems.

·Give Them Time:

In talking with children about any difficult problem, do not insist on an immediate response. Even minor criticisms evoke defensiveness in most children; a defensive wall quickly comes up. When you bring up a problem, place the problem before your child, ask him to think about it, and then plan a discussion for the following day. You can try ending with, "Let's talk about this again tomorrow."

These alternatives and antidotes to frequent criticism often begin to turn around vicious cycles of unhealthy family interactions. Eventually this paves the way for engaging children in the process of solving problems.