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Health & Fitness

Why Do Feelings Matter?

Perhaps a good way to set the tone of this article is to use a great quote:

“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.” ― Winston Churchill

 

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This quote could be used to launch a thousand different discussions. But today I’d like to use it to introduce, or rather, reintroduce readers to their feelings. Remember those?

 I find that people vary regarding how they feel about feelings. In fact I have some clients that will only dare to think about feelings…for a little while…before they use one of a number of the time honored defense mechanisms, e.g.,  denial, repression, projection, etc. to stave off the horrible experience of feeling.

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So what was Churchill saying that we can apply here? Well, simply that we will, and do, have feelings pop up, without much warning, throughout everyday of our existence. That we, men, women and children often tend to stumble over on our way to somewhere else. That perhaps we are so focused and busy that we don’t have time to stop and experience these feelings.   

Or, is it, perhaps that we are busy all of the time so we don’t have to stop and experience these feelings? Because they will hurt and if they hurt we won’t be okay anymore?  If we aren’t okay we might look weak, and people may start to judge us and people may want to remove their connection to us. Our self esteem will lower and then we might… What? It is that unknown question that keeps us in the weeds. That keeps us from stepping out into the experiences of being human... including feelings.

So many of us will deflect our feelings into thoughts, or unconsciously use a defense mechanism to ignore them. If we do this, we cut off the feelings before we become fully conscious of them. So then what happens? Well, any number of things. For example, we might become very disagreeable with family, friends and co-workers. We become the grump, the negative person, the melancholy guy no one wants to have lunch with. Or the highly sensitive anxious person that seems to exude so much unbridled worry that we look like someone always looking for something to attach our fear to. People don’t like that either. Why? Because it sets off (triggers) their own unconscious reactions to the attitude of those they are around.

So, the next part of the quote tells us how people will react. “Most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.” We smell fear and hate and confusion, we sense pathological thinking and we react to things that trigger our earlier reactions to the attitudes of others. Namely we react to those who trigger feelings like the ones we have had in the past. The feelings we have so cleverly, unconsciously, repressed. But this only works for so long.

 For some it is just a feeling that seeps in. They may be out with friends, or on a shopping trip, or at a favorite restaurant, or walking in a place they have always liked. Suddenly they become aware of feeling not quite right in the moment. Possibly unfulfilled and wondering why they can’t feel better and enjoy where they are?  The repressed feelings will find a way out. Our behaviors may act as a conduit, and may include use of substances that create altered states of reality. This may be a path for the unconscious, repressed material to come forth. Our dreams are another road by which we can receive unconscious thoughts that bring feelings back up. Symptoms arise that may be classified as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, relationship conflicts, anger or insomnia. For some perhaps even an underlying pathology.

What Is Happening?

A psychodynamic perspective points to the answer. Basically, during our first and earliest experiences as human beings, we learn from our caregivers about what we should do to survive, both physically and psychologically. While our bodies grow and travel on a path of developmental milestones that leads to maturity and self reliance; so to our psychological development is also being nurtured and programmed, and travels along through milestones that lead to psychological maturity. The way we experience those who guide us and inform our approach to the world and help create our inner-voice as we mature has a way of setting up our reactions to living. So, we pull from this source as we live, learn, love and react to our surroundings. When an experience comes along, we tend to react as we have learned, or been programmed to react. If we had good enough parents, and relatively trauma free developmental experiences, we fare well in most environments. If our caregivers related to us in a less that open and unconditionally loving manner, one in which their needs came before our needs, we develop a reaction, in our childhood, to these parental attitudes. Our reactions are a way of coping and framing our awareness, a way of getting along and preserving the relationship with the care-giver that will ensure our psychical survival. For example:

If a parental attitude is one of being controlling a child might react in a number of ways.

The childhood reaction may be one of rebellion, guilt feelings, or resentfulness. The child will feel controlled and will likely become anti-authoritarian. They will feel needlessly defeated. They may develop low self-esteem and doubt their own awareness of reality. Under stress they will lose belief in themselves, they will begin to build core-beliefs that they are unlovable and undeserving.

Later, as adults, they may be triggered by others who display real or perceived controlling behaviors. Any form of control or restriction to freedom may unconsciously set them off. These reactions are observed by others as thoughts and behaviors. These may be inappropriate or illegal. They may cause trouble. They will manifest as symptoms and be diagnosed as mental disorders or coping issues in which counseling is needed.

What Can I Do About It?

Is usually the question that gets people to come to the conclusion that enough is enough! That is when they seek counseling. That is a very healthy choice, one that comes from true inner-strength.

If a person has experienced the sense of being controlled as long as they can recall, and it has informed the way they meet the world, they will have work to understand the modus operandi of what they have experienced. Therapeutic counseling can help them understand what has happened and how it affected them (insight). The working phase of treatment includes many things, but in the end the person learns to trust themselves and not to blame anyone for their faults. They learn to accept reasonable limits without feeling controlled. They learn to let others be free even if doing so permits them to reject you.

This is just one example how a way of being taught and a way of experiencing a care-giver’s attitude of the world can and will affect the psychological development of the child. The person learns to tolerate feelings as transient markers to our reactions to the people and the environment we are in. Feelings are transient, and will not harm us. Rather they may inform us of much. We cannot control feelings. We only control our reactions to feelings. Because negative feelings feel uncomfortable, they seem larger than they are. As we travel the road of life we humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. Recognizing that we avoid feelings because they are painful is a fact. What we do about it is a reaction. Our reactions can, with work, come from a place of insight and strength. It is also helpful to develop techniques, learned in counseling, to become more compassionate and kind toward ourselves. 

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